You don’t need to tell your kids not to chew on rocks. The rocks will teach them that lesson. No need to shout, “No! Yucky! We don’t eat rocks!” How silly.

At least that’s what I thought—until I had two little boys of my own, including one extremely picky eater who, somehow, delighted in constantly putting non-food items into his mouth. I found myself often shouting in disgust, “No! Get that stick out of your mouth! Yuck!” That would work in-the-moment, but the next day I’d be back at it. “Gross! What is that? A bottle cap?! Ugh! Spit it out!”

Around that time, I was checking out several preschools for my kids, including The Montessori Center where my improv student and friend Jessica Salinas was the Executive Director. We were standing on the big playground next to the simple grey schoolhouse. There by the playscapes and activity centers, we were surrounded by literally one ton of pea gravel. All I could think about was how my two toddler boys would be picking up these little rocks and throwing them constantly. We’d be kicked out of the school in no time.

“What a pity,” I thought.” This is such a cute school but they’ve made a huge mistake filling this yard with stones. Have they met toddlers?”

So I asked Jessica my gotcha question: “What do you do when kids start throwing these pebbles?”

She said, “We say, it looks like you want to throw something. Here, here’s a ball to throw.”

This blew my mind.

It encapsulated so much of the Montessori Method in one moment. It humbled me as a parent. It humbled me as an improviser. Even though I was Jessica’s improv teacher, she knew something about “Yes, And” that I did not.

You don’t have to say Yes to someone’s behavior, but you can say Yes to their intentions, especially the good ones. You can help identify someone’s desires and “Yes, And” that in a positive direction.

Little kids like to throw things and put things in their mouths. That’s a good thing. It helps them learn and grow. As a parent, it’s my job to direct my kids towards better options. Here, throw this. Chew on this.

It reminds me of an Applied Improv exercise I use when I teach de-escalation and persuasive communication: The 60 Second Rant. It’s a very simple conversation game. I let one person in the group rant about something for a minute. Not the weather or traffic, but something a little closer to their heart. The rest of the class will listen without interrupting, and we are listening for something specific: their positive intent.

For example, in a Zoom with public health workers a few months ago, a nurse complained about how doctors generally under prescribe pain medication for Black people compared to White people. Recently, due to the fallout from the opioid epidemic, the black people she serves are getting even less access to pain medication than before. She’s been fighting for a long time without much success to get her patients the medications they need.

Now it’s the group’s turn to respond. They are not going to summarize the problem. They are not going to solve the problem. They are going to reflect back what she cares about. Because where there is anger, usually underneath that is loss, and usually underneath that is love. Instead, we’ll use this prompt “Based on what you said, I think you care about…” and fill in the blank. So we began.

• “Based on what you said, I think you care about your patients”
• “Based on what you said, I think you care about justice.”
• “Based on what you said, I think you care about people’s pain.”
• “Based on what you said, I think you care about being heard.”

As the group continued on, I could see the tears streaming down the nurse’s face. She had been so ignored and so alone in her struggle. She thanked the group for seeing her not just as an angry, Black woman, but much more than that. It was a cathartic moment.

The exercise validates the speaker who feels heard for their best intentions, and begins to let go of the fight and calm down. It’s also useful for the listener who can start to understand the speaker’s deeper motivations, the first step in finding a resolution.

Telling someone who is upset to calm down is just like telling a kid to stop throwing rocks. You might get them to comply temporarily, but you might just be putting fuel on the fire as they turn to throw the rocks at you.

Instead, if you can find the bandwidth, you can take a breath, get curious, look for the offer underneath their words and actions, say yes to that and add on to it in a positive direction.